It’s funny, the things you remember once your brain gets past bad news. I’ve been in a funk lately. Duh, right? No, it was more than a sick-family-member funk. It was a why-is-the-world-like-this funk. A what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this and how-will-I-ever-get past-this funk. I was run down from emotion and circumstance and the general 2017-ness of it all. I’d had enough.
To be honest, I recall many details of the past year, but it flew by. Seriously. Wasn’t it just last month that Pop was diagnosed? It was April. Has it really been eight months? No. Where did the year go? I’ll tell ya where it went. It spiraled down a swirling vortex of suck, flinging out tiny moments for my memory to hold on to. Little snapshot photographs. A conversation here. A milestone there.
Until yesterday. Yesterday I decided to get my spirit back on track. I threw myself a little pep rally right there in front of my computer at work. The day was decent. Baby steps. I held another pep rally this morning in the car on the way to work. It’s not my car, actually. It’s Pop’s truck. After my van was totaled a month ago we decided not to replace it right away. Pop’s truck had been sitting dormant in his driveway for the better part of the year. Suddenly the truck needed a driver, and I needed wheels. We seemed a perfect match.
Can I state for the record that I am sooooo not a pickup truck driver? There it is. But back to the pep rally.
I turned the wheel of Pop’s truck and literally said to myself, “You’ll never get past this if you can’t be grateful. It’s time to move on.” It’s a whole new year, I reasoned. And, as much as I miss the comfort and convenience of my van, at least Pop’s truck has heated seats.
Although I’m usually having these conversations with God, today I was talking to myself. He answered anyway. As I straightened out onto another street, a verse lodged in my head. “This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Be glad in the day. Not hard, right? Be glad that we have this day. I’ve said repeatedly over the last few months that God only gives us one day at a time and that’s all we should concern ourselves with. So what’s up with all my moodiness lately? It serves no one, least of all God. I’m his child. I’m the daughter of a King, I reminded myself. THE King. Whatever today brings, He and I can handle it together.
The call came in just after 2:30 this afternoon. Pop was gone.
Twelve hours later I rolled over in bed, aware that Dom was up, aware once more of the events of our day. I closed my eyes and instantly saw Pop’s steering wheel and the ridiculous half-patched bump in the road I take to work, the sun blazing down on me as I drove in freezing temperatures. I recalled my conversation with myself and God’s interjection. I can see now how He was preparing me. Be grateful… Take one day at a time. I thought I was preparing myself for a good day. He was preparing me for a hard one. “This is the day the Lord has made.”
I will rejoice and be glad in it. Even as my heart breaks.